American Decameron Page 4

  “Flora.”

  “Yes? What is it, Lindsay? Do you want something?”

  She is there standing before me, among the corporeal companions of my collegiate youth. There in that room before the fire, late in the third quarter of my last year at Haverford. And all has come together on this night of mystical invocation—the boys who grew to manhood before my very eyes. And my beloved…

  “Flora.”

  “Yes, I’m here, Lindsay. I’m sitting right beside you, darling. I have your hand. Are you thinking of me? Am I there, my precious darling? Somewhere within your broken thoughts?”

  I take Flora by the hand and we walk together in the midnight moonlight, breathing deeply the bracing wintry air. We walk through the Conklin gate and catch sight of Barclay Hall in all its Victorian Gothic glory, with its abbey-like spire rising up from walls of dark ivy. We stroll along the granolithic walk under chestnut trees bare of leaves, yearning for spring. I show Flora the place where once I was so very happy. A time when life held every promise and there was so much that still lay ahead. It is meet and proper that you should be here, I say to her. It is meet and proper that you should be with me at the beginning, for I do not know if you are with me now at the end. Are you there, Flora? In all those other places? In those places that took the place of Haverford? Where should I seek thee?

  “For I do so miss thee.”

  “I miss thee, too,” I said.

  Did I tell you that my husband Lindsay attended school among Quakers? Even before the senility set in, he would sometimes lapse into the language of his Haverford elders to make a poetic point.

  So when life’s long years are almost o’er

  When thinking of those times with Nineteen-Four

  Amid the myriad memories which rise,

  That college ideal stands before our eyes.

  The brightest recollection of those days

  Seeing it grow real before our gaze

  Find we ourselves to be that youthful vision.

  Words penned by our class poet Howard Haines Brinton, who sits next to me before the fire, smoking his pipe like all the others, a cup of cocoa at his side. Quiet. The night so quiet. And then the silence broken by a wet snowball splatting the windowpane. We look out to find the fresh and the sophs engaged in mortal brumal combat. And there was a time when without hesitation we would have joined this battle royal wearing only our nightshirts and worsted slippers, eagerly defying the winter cold for pride of class. But not now. Now we are preparing with somber sobriety to troop, instead, into the valley of the shadow of adulthood…

  …Or would have, had Helbert (more intimately known as Hellbird) not cried, “Ye gods and little fishhooks! Are we going to let those insolent underclassmen bastards get away with this?”

  No, my dear sir, we are not. Avenge this assault upon the honor of Nineteen-Four! We’re still here for three months more!

  And out we all went into the embattled night.

  “Yes, out I go into that dark night.”

  “Don’t go just yet, my love,” I said to my husband, my eyes brimming with tears. “Stay with me, just a little bit longer.”

  1905

  GENEALOGICAL IN RHODE ISLAND

  Here is my draft of the Official Record of the 17th Reunion of the Livergood Family Association of Warwick, Rhode Island, September 27, 1905. Nota bene: I will entertain suggestions for changes to this document in the event that the notes taken by our treasurer and my secretarial assistant Mrs. Medora Livergood Markham (which I have liberally appropriated for this record due to the fact that my withered hand prevents note-taking of my own) are found in error or discovered to be in any other way deficient.

  I observed at the September 27 gathering that Mrs. Markham was often inattentive, either in a sort of woolgathering state or engaged in animated conversations with other female Livergoods, whom she perhaps had not seen since last year’s reunion, and thus was not as scrupulous in her transcribing as she might otherwise have been.

  THE LIVERGOOD FAMILY ASSOCIATION held its seventeenth annual reunion at Warwick, Rhode Island, September Twenty-seventh, Nineteen Hundred and Five, Mr. Fred R. Livergood of Warwick, President, presiding. The morning session was called to order at 9:33 o’clock after repeated raps of the gavel, due to an unwillingness on the part of several Livergoods by marriage to suspend their conversations, having never before attended a Livergood Family Association Reunion and being largely ignorant of its serious purpose and solemn nature. One must also indict Professor Elisha Livergood for his disruptive absence. Professor Livergood was tarrying in the corridor and could be heard, along with two attendees from the female branches, Messrs. Gleason and Looney, singing “In Zanzibar, My Little Chimpanzee” (although my husband contends that the song was “Won’t You Fondle Me?”—the two songs sounding to my ear not a bit similar and my husband being deliberately perverse).

  REV. ABNER HOADLEY, DD, Pastor of the West Warwick Congregational Church, offered the Invocation.

  MRS. MARY BLUNT LIVERGOOD of Kingston, Rhode Island, sang a song that she and her husband Chester had written about the Livergood family, entitled “O Joy! O Bliss! O Livergood!”, which included a brief musical interlude on the harp played by Miss Annie Capwell, whose claim to Livergood family affiliation is still under advisement by the Committee of Ancestry Eligibility. For this reason she was asked not to play too overtly.

  PROFESSOR ELISHA LIVERGOOD, chairman of the Committee of Publication of the Revised Genealogy, informed attendees of the near completion of the latest edition of the published genealogy and explained the particulars of subscription and purchase. Professor Livergood’s remarks were interrupted by Mr. George Pardee, who argued that those, like himself, in the female lines descending from our common ancestor, the venerable and much esteemed Cockchase Livergood, should be eligible for a discounted price, given their second-class status in the family. There ensued a lively debate among the various members of the male and female branches over the disparity of privileges and appurtenances redounding to both, e.g. the fact that female branch descendants and their spouses are relegated to sitting in the back of the hall and required to drink their coffee in demitasses and eat their luncheon on dessert plates. The latter half of this statement was said in jest and there were some who derived pleasure from it; but the first half was spoken in earnest, as those in the back of the hall were quick to attest. There was no resolution to the debate, and though a vote was suggested under “Roberta’s Rules of Order” (Roberta being Mrs. Roberta Livergood Fuller, who frequently lampoons Parliamentary Procedure in her monthly squibs for Pshaw! magazine), there was no consensus as to whether a vote in actuality would be taken, since descendants of the female lines are allotted only one half of one vote and must attend our annual meetings in a veritable swarm if they are to ever hold sway.

  Professor Elisha Livergood completed his appeals and sat down, but missed his chair and landed on the floor, this gluteal mishap being accompanied by shrieks and caws of uncharitable laughter. There followed a motion that the assembly adjourn for lunch, the motion being offered by the perpetually famished Mr. Stewart Livergood of Usquepaug, Rhode Island. It being only 9:59 o’clock, the motion went unseconded and Mr. Stewart Livergood proceeded to chank a corned beef sandwich on rye bread in lip-smacking defiance of prandial propriety.

  HON. DUDLEY LIVERGOOD of Pawcatuck, Connecticut, PROFESSOR ELISHA LIVERGOOD of Providence, Rhode Island, and MR. DELBERT LIVERGOOD of Fall River, Massachusetts, were appointed a nominating committee over the objections of members of the female branches and three newly arrived young men who stood in the doorway with folded arms for a quarter of an hour and eventually demanded a say at the meeting by virtue of their bastard lineage to Cockchase Livergood by John Livergood, Cockchase’s great grandson, and a fecund whore named Beriah Scrants. The Sergeant-at-Arms was promptly awakened and encouraged to remove the three toughs from the premises, though an arrangement was ultimately effected in which the three would be permitted adju
nct membership to the body and afforded one quarter of a vote (upon payment of one quarter of the required annual membership dues) but were exiled to one of the children’s tables at the luncheon, whereupon President Fred R. Livergood adjourned the formal meeting for lunch.

  I observed in that interim that Mrs. Markham was not very observant, assuming—correctly as it were—that partaking of victuals did not necessitate the taking of notes, but I should like to make the brief interpolative comment that Miss Clementina Denslow and Mr. Edgar Livergood should think twice before pursuing a romantic attachment to one another until it can be fully established that Cockchase Livergood is their only mutual ancestor, so as to spare themselves the heartache of bearing imbecilic children.

  THE AFTERNOON SESSION OF THE LIVERGOOD FAMILY REUNION was called to order by President Fred R. Livergood at 1:15 o’clock, whereupon the nominating committee presented its slate of officer candidates for unanimous approval, this list including MRS. FANNIE FLOWERS of Warwick, Rhode Island, descended from one of the female branches, for the office of vice president, the nomination being viewed as “highly commendable” and “a long time coming” by celebratory members of those branches, and “odious” and “anarchic” and “a splat of pig dung upon our fine Livergood family escutcheon” by members of the male lines, who immediately offered up the name of HOWARD LOOMIS LIVERGOOD of Westerly, Rhode Island, to contend for that selfsame office. A vote was held, and a tally made, with all parties voting along branch lines and the three intrusive bastards who were descended from that whelping whore voting on the side of Mrs. Flowers. The final totals for the office of vice president stood as follows:

  Mrs. Fannie Flowers: 28 ¾ votes

  Mr. Howard Loomis Livergood: 53 votes

  Abstaining: 4 votes

  When the results were announced, supporters of Mrs. Flowers proceeded to rip apart a chair. Order was restored when Mr. Loomis Livergood, in an act of familial reconciliation, withdrew his name, and Mrs. Flowers was elected by acclamation. In the spirit of family unity and togetherness, Mrs. Mary Blunt Livergood led the assembly in a verse of “O Joy! O Bliss! O Livergood!” although several disrespectful youths were clearly heard singing, “Oh Joy! Oh Piss! O Liverwurst!”

  THERE FOLLOWED SEVERAL SHORT ADDRESSES to the body as noted below:

  MR. WINTHROP LIVERGOOD of New York City, New York, delivered an address entitled, “Mr. Cockchase Livergood and his early home in England.”

  MR. DOANE WALLACE of Hartford, Connecticut, spoke on “Mr. Cockchase Livergood and his early home in Scotland.”

  Near fisticuffs ensued over the competing claims, but amity between Messrs. Livergood and Wallace was quickly restored when the two gentlemen were reminded by Miss Madeleine Livergood that Jesus was watching them and passing judgment upon their behavior from His celestial throne.

  MRS. JETTIE LIVERGOOD RABBITT of Barrington, Rhode Island, began to speak on “Mr. Cockchase Livergood and his invention of the potato masher,” but was silenced by a chorus of hoots and catcalls from the floor by those who annually reject the claim. There followed unkind charges that Mrs. Livergood Rabbitt was mentally unsound. She was compelled to flee the room in tears, and when she returned an hour later she stumbled and flannelled her words with obvious inebriety, and vowed “retaliation on those who would so malign and maltreat me.”

  MR. HAYDEN LIVERGOOD of Cranston, Rhode Island, offered “A tribute to the name of Livergood,” the speaker itemizing moments of historic achievement in which Livergoods were active participants, notably the burning at the stake in Canterbury, England, in 1566 of Henry Livergood for being both a Protestant and keeping a miniature family of doll people. Also mentioned by Mr. Livergood in this fascinating study of famous Livergoods throughout history was Charles Livergood, witness to Burgoyne’s surrender. By all accounts, Charles was dispatched to take the news to General Washington but got turned around and ended up in Spanish Florida, where he took up the ways of the Seminole. More recently, the publisher John Crocker Livergood was famously set last year to publish Mark Twain’s collection of essays, Things I Have Said for which God Should Punish Me upon My Death if There Were, in Fact, a God, the publication of which was halted by judicial injunction sought by the Women’s League of Christian Decency.

  Interspersed among the addresses were the following musical selections performed by MRS. GLADYS LIVERGOOD ROUSE of Norwich, Connecticut, with accompaniment by MISS ADA POGUE on the piano-forte: “Please, Mother, Buy Me a Baby,” “I’m on the Water Wagon Now” (for the abstainers), and “On the Banks of the Rhine with a Stein” (for the imbibers).

  MRS. MEDORA LIVERGOOD MARKHAM delivered the treasurer’s report.

  MRS. BEDELIA MCQUIRK LIVERGOOD read greetings from association members who were unable to attend this year’s reunion. Some were comical, others poignant, one was posthumously delivered, and one was written in Chinese characters and left everyone wondering if it was, in fact, a greeting at all.

  THE FINAL ADDRESS OF THE AFTERNOON was delivered by PROFESSOR ELISHA LIVERGOOD, who charged us all to perpetuate the name Livergood with pride, and to honor our fine heritage and the memory of our common ancestor Cockchase Livergood. Professor Livergood also reminded us all to purchase our subscriptions for the third edition of the Livergood Family Genealogy, and then quieted the room to speak from his heart about his long but ultimately successful battle to end his addiction to opium cough syrup.

  Before the valedictory prayer was offered by REV. ABNER HOADLEY, DD, all those present joined hands and together recited the motto of the LIVERGOOD FAMILY ASSOCIATION OF WARWICK, RHODE ISLAND: “Head good. Heart good. Livergood. All good. Peace of God be with you until we meet again.”

  A booklet is being printed as a keepsake of the event. It will include photographs of those of you in the male lines who posed for Mr. Cleary from Providence Plantations Photography. We regret that there was neither time nor room within the publication for the inclusion of photographic likenesses of those in the female branches.

  Signed this day, September 30, 1905,

  Mrs. Bedelia McQuirk Livergood, Cincinnati, Ohio

  Secretary, The Livergood Family Association of Warwick, Rhode Island

  1906

  PUNCH(ING) DRUNK IN PENNSYLVANIA

  The older brother, Randall, lived in Philadelphia. He installed skylight glass for the Benjamin H. Shoemaker Glass Company. The younger brother, Elijah, lived in New York City. He was a sculptor. The brothers hadn’t seen each other for over two and a half years. Randall didn’t approve of Elijah’s bohemian lifestyle. Randall imagined opium-clouded assignations with Rubenesque models.

  And Elijah drank.

  The brothers’ father had had an unquenchable thirst for spirits. A piano-forte instructor at the Philadelphia Music Academy, Randall Broddick Sr. had ended his employ at the school when his two sons were in their teens, and had ended it with a theatrical flourish. He arrived to perform at a faculty recital, highball in hand, dressed in the livery of a chauffeur: frock coat, striped trousers, patent leathers, rolled-brim derby, and butterfly bow, having traded clothes with the cab driver who had brought him that night to the academy. He had paid the driver well for the waggish exchange, but Randall was the only one who found it funny.

  It appeared to Randall Jr. that his brother Elijah was following in their father’s staggering footsteps. It was good that the two brothers kept to themselves and cities apart, though Randall’s wife Elise wondered if the two would ever be close again and tutted over the tragedy of fraternal estrangement.

  Randall and Elise had just bought a row house on Pine Street from one of Randall’s coworkers at Benjamin H. Shoemaker. Although the windows were new and snuggly fitted, everything else about the house seemed in need of repair. The pipes leaked. The baseboards were rotted. The roof was falling apart and the furnace in the basement rattled and groaned through the night. Men would need to come and fix these things.

  Elise had been sick. The three children needed attention. All was at
sixes and sevens. It simply was not a good time for Randall to see his younger brother.

  And yet the brother was coming down. That evening, in fact. The reason for the visit was an appointment set up by a sculptor whom Elijah had befriended in New York by the name of Samuel Murray. Mr. Murray had seen one of Elijah’s pieces in bronze in a Bowery shop and had been quite impressed. After meeting its creator, Murray expressed his wish that the talented sculptor should come to Philadelphia and meet his friend, Thomas Eakins. “Eakins is a very good man for a young man of your talent to know,” Murray had said.

  This made Elijah laugh. “You flatter me, sir,” he had said, “to think that I am that good and to think me so young. I’m certain that I’m almost as old as you.”

  “I’m thirty-seven,” Murray had replied, snapping his finger for the waiter. The two men were dining on oyster cocktails and potato salad at a table d’hote establishment where Elijah took most of his meals (avoiding whenever possible the bland boardinghouse fare that came with his lodgings). “You are good, whatever your age, and I have every confidence that Tom will appreciate your talent.”

  “I’m laughing for another reason as well, Mr. Murray. I am no stranger to Philadelphia. I was born there, you see, and my brother lives there still.”

  “Is that a fact? You’ll see your brother when you come?”

  “There is a rent between us, but perhaps it can be mended. Especially if I’m finally to make something of my talent, which heretofore has only marginally sustained me.”

  Elijah had sent a wire informing Randall that he was coming. After discussing the impending visit, Randall and Elise agreed that it was only right that the two brothers should see one another. Accordingly, there was orchestrated an embrace upon the doorstep and an exchange of warm fraternal smiles that betokened reconciliation.